Words of MavericK

Blabbering of a Fool

Introspection

This is a post with rather incoherent content, for I do not wish to edit out anything written while thinking… and well, what would you expect from something written this late?

Some time last week, I had a meltdown of sorts from my work, and lashed out at a group of close friends.

I requested for time-out, away from their presence, both physical and virtual, to do some introspection.
Throughout the week of introspection, I tried something different with my doodling.

InnerDemon01

Unlike the usual doodles I’ve done, I did not have an idea to work with. Instead, I let my hand, my pen to complete the image for me.
I started with the eyes, which is how I usually start my drawings with. Even though I had the intention to design a Kamen Rider…the end result was rather enlightening for me.

I interpret it as a manifestation of my inner self, an amalgam of my favorite things, and of things I abhor.

I am currently very…immensely conflicted in my work. While I will not go into details, the doodle presents the troubles I have:

  • A mask, something which I have been wearing for many months; while the mask is something I enjoy wearing, it doesn’t show my true self. It assists me in connecting with people I hope to encourage, but also results in a form of imbalance within.
  • While the doodle seems to be lamenting, the angle is in fact wrong; it is a reflection of light off a closed surface. There are things to scream about, yet the mouth is covered by a skin of protocol.
  • A gaping hole in the chest, sucking everything that is, into itself.
  • The elbows are impossible and unnatural; I am required to bend against my natural tendencies, and as a result, I give an unnatural performance.

Now why would I lash out at my close friends? Probably they are very close to begin with. They have always kept a listening ear to my troubles (yes, I am always the one with troubles) many times, and they will always follow up with advice.
While I appreciate the advice given, I’ve learned that positive encouragement can hurt, especially you often find yourself unable to live up to them. Positive people seem to be highly oblivious to what “negative” people observe. Or maybe it’s that they are able to turn a blind eye to them. I’ve been told many times that I am a negative person…and at this moment, I probably have to agree. But I think, it is with this negativity that I am able to perceive glaring mistakes, issues, and troubles in systems around me. Yet the burden is mine alone to bear as everyone around tells me that “that is the status quo, and that is as perfect as it gets.”

Then does that mean we have reached the pinnacle of things? There is already no room for change, for better or worse?

Those are questions I will always bear with me.
But I’ve definitely learned something that I lacked: gratitude. And it is with gratitude I will thank this group of friends, whether they still regard me as one or not, for letting me realize that we are fundamentally different: I cannot use the positivity you have showered me to erase my negativity, which is something at the moment still fundamental for me, but I can channel the ideas and thoughts from it to help me find positivity in other areas. Simply said, you can be happy because you can erase negativity; I need to find “happy” to balance out my negativity.

Work is the reason I sleep late at night, for I simply dread the coming of the new day. But I am thankful, for I am now clearer on what I do not seek at work. And it has also helped me discover where my skills lie, what my talents are…and how my skills do not allow me to perform at work.

And for my last point, I still have dreams, but somewhere in my head, they are disintegrating into nothing, as I remained consistently drained physically, emotionally, and mentally to work hard on them.

But first things first, I need to beg for forgiveness from my friends. Until next time.

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