Blabbering of a Fool
A New Beginning…or The End?
The number ’21’ which everyone goes bonkers about when their own time comes.
But I dun care about it much really, but am compelled to do so.
Of course, I understand everyone expects one to be an adult by then, especially in terms of mentality.
And seriously speaking, I dun think I’ve grown mature enough FOR people around me. I’m quite comfortable with myself actually. But one cannot survive in this harsh society just by thinking of himself.
Many relatives want me to grow up. Scolds me, to be more decisive.
It’s not that I cannot, it’s just that I dun wanna be so.
For many decisions that I may choose to make will bring a world of pain for many people, even myself. So I just go with the flow, and let the pain just be directed to myself (through scoldings).
Yes, the many decisions I come up with, many were extreme. But I just dun voice them out. I think similarly like a Japanese…for the sake of preserving harmony.
Ah, enough of the rantings.
I wanna throw out the ‘trash’ I have kept inside for so, so long. I’ll just write anything that pops into my head at the point of time as I go along.
And sorry in advance if I have hurt anyone here, as I’m gonna mention names here.
- Life really stinks when none of the people around you have no similar interests as you. (This, I predict, will come up several times in later examples)
- I envy my friends a lot. To name a few, Walter, Zhi Hao, Yuxi, Sze Yuan, etc.. Walter for great outlook on life, Zhi Hao for his extroverted and fearless personality, Yuxi for his devoted heart in pursuing his dreams, Sze Yuan for his determination to achieve his goals.
- I may have mentioned things like how cute a girl was or something close to that. But so far I can say there were only 3 girls who made me go ‘doki doki’.
Meiying, Huiling, and Zhen Xiu.
But I’ll just say, right now I just want some meaning back in my life. That’s all.
- My life in Pioneer Junior College was by far the worst period in my life so far. My class is one factor. HEY! Everyone’s a great individual to be with, the problem comes when everyone comes together. To use an analogy, we were like a jigsaw puzzle that could never be solved, for not every piece fits together.
- I may have mentioned that I’m used to watching movies and going out alone, but that doesn’t mean I like it. In fact, I try hard to avoid doing so. But compared to going out with people who ignore your presence by talking among themselves, I think the former circumstance is much more attractive.
- I may have mentioned many times that sometimes I dun bother asking people out. That is because I have been rejected many times when I do so. And every time, I may not have said it, I feel very, very hurt. Because many of these people who reject me are the ones I would try to make time out for going places they want with them.
And they reject me straight. And even have the cheek to show disatisfaction when I rant about their actions. but no choice, I dun have many friends.
- I’m not a birthday person, so I dun remember many of my friends’ birthdays. But according to ‘mainstream’ friendship laws, one must remember birthdays to be a friend. I’m sorry that you may not see me as a friend, but do bear in mind that even without birthdays, I see people I like as friends. Even though it may be one-sided, with me suffering at the side.
- It’s not that I like to show attitude or anything like that, it’s because I have very poor communication skills since young (I seem to piss everyone off with my words), and now that my face had grown to be of a grouchy adult, the entire ‘fucked-up attitude’ face becomes more prominent.
Just remember, I do not speak much because I care about your feelings, and I look like that because, well, I’m stuck with this face, I guess!!
- I regret not having spent time with my cousins, paternal side. Trying to make up for lost time now…but it’s hard.
As for the cousins on my maternal side, fuck off and get away from us, after what your mother had done to our Grandma and my mother.
- I do have dreams/goals of my own. I wanna work, and probably live in Japan. I have an interest in voice-acting.
Why never mention them? I was afraid of rejection, and sure enough, everyone disses at the idea, let alone support.
There’s also the problem of money. It’s always this.
- I dun like the idea of going someplace, then being told to just ‘be myself’, and then get mocked for being too quiet, when I cannot totally relate to the topics people are talking about.
- I think about other people’s feelings too much to like myself
- I always lose in arguments, so…
Last one, in case some decent fellow tries arguing with me and pushing every bit of blame (if there is any in the first place) onto me:
- I’m sorry for not sharing your interests, such as soccer, clubbing, taste in music, taste in dramas, and not sharing the unhealthy obsession you might have developed over an idol or series, which ironically I was the one who introduced them to whoever you may be.
I’m wrong. Yeah, sorry, I’m always in the wrong.
Whew…I do feel kinda liberated now. A little.
With the post, I’ll work hard into making it as a mark of the beginning of the end of nice, naive Marcus.
With this same post, I believe it would also be the mark of the end of various friendships…? Or can this help my friends understand me better? Or for me to know myself better?
And yeah, Walter ol’ bro, I believe you may be the only one who would be going. 🙂