Blabbering of a Fool
“Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.”
— Heinrich Heine
図書館戦争 was one of the most important fiction titles I have read thus far. After all, it was one important factor in getting me interested in library work.
The quote at the top is mentioned shortly in the live-action movie adaptation of the bestselling novel series by 有川 浩 (Arikawa Hiro)…and probably in the novel too, but I’ve read the books a pretty long time ago (prompts for a re-read). This quote struck me strongly the moment it was spoken, the moment I read it, and this feeling stayed with me throughout the entire movie.
A country…nation…anyplace at all, which has no qualms about destroying thought, indeed will have no qualms about destroying the physical bodies that hold thought.
Thought. That is the third time that I’ve written the word in this post, and I meant it as a noun (gonna capitalize it for clarity).
The live-action movie adaptation is a faithful representation of the book series, with a few slight changes in details (one which I seriously still think should have been left untouched). I was very apprehensive about the cast at first, but now I apologize to them in my heart.
And with the movie, I realized that such a future is in fact not impossible, and that is a horrible revelation.
The Library Task Force fights the Media Betterment Act in defense of the right and freedom to information and reading for the common man. We see (or read about) them risking their own safety (and sometimes, lives) to protect books.
But what do these books represent? Essentially, they are Thought in the purest, minimally refined physical form.
Thought is everywhere around us. The computer we are using; the tea we are drinking; the vehicles we are driving; the dances that we are dancing. All these are refined products of Thought. But a book, it holds Thought through the words inside, the potential still lying within, waiting for someone to flip through the pages, acquire these Thought, and perhaps eventually refine them into a unique product that is very different from a book.
Thus essentially, the Library Task Force is protecting Thought…protecting the act of thinking, the universal ability and right of all humans.
And that is, I think, really one of the most noble of causes we should fight for. And what libraries should be advocating.
Thus, my frustrations.
It’s high time to regain control.
And the first step is to sleep. Now.
It’s 2:18 am.
I’m writing along with my thoughts.
I am losing control, or have lost control of my life. I cannot go “have a break” like many have advised me to, or maybe it’s just that I’m looking for excuses as always.
I drown myself in my own world, deep in games and pointless activities like the Internet.
I’m finding it harder to know about what I really want, what my dreams are, who my friends are.
Friends who say they will be there, were never there. Or maybe I have to ask. But doesn’t that mean they aren’t there then?
The things I want to do, I find no support from anyone. No one wishes to engage in arguments with ideas I have, or had. They all turn away, telling me to be glad with what I have, and not think so much.
I want to see the world, after attending an international event, to see libraries from all over the world, the troubles they have to keep information free and accessible…something that libraries here turn a blind eye.
I keep thinking I’m writing crap, but writing seems to be helping me see my thoughts better.
I need to get my documents prepared, and that means facing the potential music.
Do I really know what I want? Am I really good at what I do? I have no way of telling, as no one tells me.
Reading “Love your job, but not your company” really set me thinking. Librarianship is so so so much more.
Being a kidult isn’t so bad, you are more likely to tell how a child is feeling or what he/she is thinking, but the “adults” around me will never understand unless they slow down, sit down, and observe.
Reading is not about education, education is about learning, and learning is about keeping oneself ever interested about the world. And to do that, you need to tell yourself there is always something strange, unknown, maybe even better out there. To have no desire of seeing them, you are mentally dead.
I am mentally dead. I need to revive myself. That is the good thing about mental death, I guess.
Being single is good, but it sucks as well. But I have no idea about being un-single. Again, I have no one to talk to.
I miss some friends which I have lost, but clearly they don’t need me as much as I need them. Engagement ends always on their side. Should I still bother.
Maybe we have become too different to match one another.
I am still not tired. I am dreading every new day. Or at least, a new weekday.
I have too many ideas for art, but my skills and talents prove inadequate for their materialization.
This is a post with rather incoherent content, for I do not wish to edit out anything written while thinking… and well, what would you expect from something written this late?
Some time last week, I had a meltdown of sorts from my work, and lashed out at a group of close friends.
I requested for time-out, away from their presence, both physical and virtual, to do some introspection.
Throughout the week of introspection, I tried something different with my doodling.
Unlike the usual doodles I’ve done, I did not have an idea to work with. Instead, I let my hand, my pen to complete the image for me.
I started with the eyes, which is how I usually start my drawings with. Even though I had the intention to design a Kamen Rider…the end result was rather enlightening for me.
I interpret it as a manifestation of my inner self, an amalgam of my favorite things, and of things I abhor.
I am currently very…immensely conflicted in my work. While I will not go into details, the doodle presents the troubles I have:
- A mask, something which I have been wearing for many months; while the mask is something I enjoy wearing, it doesn’t show my true self. It assists me in connecting with people I hope to encourage, but also results in a form of imbalance within.
- While the doodle seems to be lamenting, the angle is in fact wrong; it is a reflection of light off a closed surface. There are things to scream about, yet the mouth is covered by a skin of protocol.
- A gaping hole in the chest, sucking everything that is, into itself.
- The elbows are impossible and unnatural; I am required to bend against my natural tendencies, and as a result, I give an unnatural performance.
Now why would I lash out at my close friends? Probably they are very close to begin with. They have always kept a listening ear to my troubles (yes, I am always the one with troubles) many times, and they will always follow up with advice.
While I appreciate the advice given, I’ve learned that positive encouragement can hurt, especially you often find yourself unable to live up to them. Positive people seem to be highly oblivious to what “negative” people observe. Or maybe it’s that they are able to turn a blind eye to them. I’ve been told many times that I am a negative person…and at this moment, I probably have to agree. But I think, it is with this negativity that I am able to perceive glaring mistakes, issues, and troubles in systems around me. Yet the burden is mine alone to bear as everyone around tells me that “that is the status quo, and that is as perfect as it gets.”
Then does that mean we have reached the pinnacle of things? There is already no room for change, for better or worse?
Those are questions I will always bear with me.
But I’ve definitely learned something that I lacked: gratitude. And it is with gratitude I will thank this group of friends, whether they still regard me as one or not, for letting me realize that we are fundamentally different: I cannot use the positivity you have showered me to erase my negativity, which is something at the moment still fundamental for me, but I can channel the ideas and thoughts from it to help me find positivity in other areas. Simply said, you can be happy because you can erase negativity; I need to find “happy” to balance out my negativity.
Work is the reason I sleep late at night, for I simply dread the coming of the new day. But I am thankful, for I am now clearer on what I do not seek at work. And it has also helped me discover where my skills lie, what my talents are…and how my skills do not allow me to perform at work.
And for my last point, I still have dreams, but somewhere in my head, they are disintegrating into nothing, as I remained consistently drained physically, emotionally, and mentally to work hard on them.
But first things first, I need to beg for forgiveness from my friends. Until next time.